I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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