Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
