Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
