I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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