All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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