Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
