Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
