Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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