he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
