i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
