My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
