you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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