Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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