How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
