I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
