peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
