Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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