Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
