You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
