I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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