why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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