apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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