I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
