If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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