I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
