Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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