Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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