Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
