so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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