If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
