if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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