just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
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