K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
