I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
