I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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