Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
