Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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