Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
