did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
time to smoke my breakfast
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
