She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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