I wish I could teleport
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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