rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
