He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
