I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
