Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
