I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
