Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Pants are for mortals
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
