if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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