If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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