From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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